Friends, Enemies, and Internet Losers: I have returned.

Posts tagged “H1N1

If it's H1N1 I'll be soooooooo embarrassed

Today is a lazy day.  I don’t feel well.  I am sure that it is not the flu, but just the first week following a paycheque weekend.  I am so lazy, in fact, that I am not typing this; I am dictating it using voice recognition software.

*Author’s note:  Though I know what the word means, I have never really understood “onomatopoeia” until right now.  Every time I breathe in through my runny nose, my computer writes “if.”

My ill health may also be a symptom of my recognition that Halloween is gone and the long, slow descent to Christmas has begun.  I have no problem with Christmas but the bullshit that surrounds it tires me on the best of days.

I often find the Christmas season to be much like Tim Burton’s first Batman film: it wasn’t bad but could never have been as good as we were led to believe it would be.  Christmas, it seems, would be far more enjoyable if we didn’t wait for its arrival for two whole months, spend two hours opening presents, another three stuffing your face, and then be expected to spend the entire next week buying more on sale.

I like Halloween because it is a useless but fun holiday.  I enjoy Saint Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve for the same reason.  Days like Thanksgiving, Valentine’s, and Christmas claim jurisdiction over abstracts: gratitude, love, peace, and joy.

Clichéd as it is, naive as it may be, I still believe the world would have more gratitude, love, peace, and a joy if we spent more than three days thinking about them.

The following line was dictated by my runny nose:

if this is the if if if



Playing the odds

According to B.C.’s Health Minister, the odds of dying from the swine flu are about equal to that of being hit by a car. Apparently we don’t have vaccinations for pedestrian vs automobile encounters. I’m not even sure how that would work. Perhaps they give you a shot of atomized chrome from a front bumper. Of course, if we did develop a way for kids to be vaccinated against car accidents, someone would make a YouTube video about how it was a secret government conspiracy, designed to steal our “essence” by contaminating our bodily fluids.

Why does a conspiracy like that always sound crazy when it is upheld by a US Air Force Brigadier General who just started armageddon but suddenly sound normal when a celebrity with a YouTube infatuation espouses the same thing?

The key question to ask of any conspiracy theorist is “cui bono?” Who benefits?

How do doctors benefit by giving all their patients poison? Well, they wouldn’t, so they wouldn’t.

How does a government benefit by having all of its citizens die from being mass-poisoned? Well, they don’t, so they wouldn’t.

You see, conspiracy theory is like religion.

The weak and unknown feel small and alone and need to find a sense of worth and belonging. For this, they seek religion. Others, feel that the only way to explain their lives not turning out exactly as they planned is to blame it on a vast conspiracy that seems committed to keeping them down.

Sometimes it’s the Jews. Sometimes it’s the rich. Sometimes it’s the intelligent. But, it is always a group that can be blamed for the misfortunes of others. There is never a solution given by a conspiracty theorist. It is always whose fault it is and how it affects you.

So when it comes to the immunity booster or “flu shot,” make sure your decision is based on solid medical fact (like you CAN’T get Swine Flu from the shot) not some angry mom who seems destined to bring back polio and smallpox because she thinks doctors are pompous and she knows better when it comes to her child because she saw a YouTube video while the doctor was studying microbiology at Johns Hopkins.

As for you conspiracy theorists out there, what do you say you all take a flying leap in front of a speeding car? Bet you wish you had the anti-automobile vaccination then.