Friends, Enemies, and Internet Losers: I have returned.

tactless

The Twizzard of Oz


Read this entry only if you don’t mind a few laughs (and a couple cringes) at the expense of your precious childhood memories. The following is a transcript of the drunk “Tweets” I sent while watching The Wizard of Oz about 2 o’clock this morning.

Bedtime movie: I was thinking “Third Man”, “Touch of Evil”. Went with “Wizard of Oz” but it’s taped over “Hells Angels on Wheels”, still manly.

Dorothy gets picked out of a pig sty without a spot of mud on her dress. I’m starting to think this movie might be fiction.

“Over the Rainbow” even straight guys can appreciate this as one of the best songs ever. Okay, ‘some’ straight guys. #garlandsadish

Just looking at that hat Miss Gulch is wearing… She might be a witch but with a hat like that you know she’s an evil cunt.

Yeah, pissed drunk and doing colour commentary for Wizard of Oz on Twitter.

How do we know Wizard of Oz wasn’t made recently? A hustler like “Professor Marvel” would have whored her out instead of sending her home.

Never underestimate my ability to ruin every childhood memory you might have.

Wow colour! Munchin suicide watch starts now.

Dorothy Gale v. The Ghostbusters: Dorothy, the next time someone asks you if you’re a witch, you say YES!

Ding Dong… Certainly the cheeriest song about homicide ever written.

I’m glad I’m drunk and not high, otherwise the stunted ballerinas of the Lullaby League would be fucking with my head.

Glinda’s high as a Kansas tornado… Smiling away… The trailer park prom dress. Pure valium. That’s probably where Judy got her habit.

The Scarecrow explains BC politics: taking directions from a guy with no brain and a stick up his ass.

Another clue that the Wizard of Oz is fiction? No good looking young woman who left Kansas would be in that big of a hurry to get back.

Yes Dorothy! Lube me up! A man without a heart wants to be oiled up by a teenage runaway. Go figure.

Don’t go with her Tin Man! She’s just going to sell you for scrap to buy valium!

You wonder why Judy Garland got in so much trouble later in life when she considers two utter fuck ups she just met as the best friends she’s ever had.

Okay, not a hanging munchin but a bird. More’s the pity.

Ah the good old days, when cowards attacked little dogs and girls in gingham dresses instead of shooting up their high schools.

Poppy field makes them fall asleep and “snow” wakes them up? I don’t have to ruin this one. It kind of speaks for itself.

The witch puppet on a string is more believable than all three Star Wars prequels.

Scarecrow’s day at the spa looks like a TSA pat down.

Afghan peasants can shoot down a Soviet gunship but the people of Emerald City can’t take out a bitch and her broom? Surrender Dorot…BOOM!

Wikileaks reports the Wizard thinks Dorothy is a whiny little cunt.

The Wizard looks like a Star Trek alien on stage at a KISS concert.

I suspect the flying monkeys are just a flash back to the poppy field.

Okay, I’ll admit it; it’s been over 30 years since the first time I saw this movie and the flying monkeys still scare the shit out of me.

*Note to palace guard: the guy at the FRONT does a head count to make sure the guys at the BACK should actually be there.

“Hurry! Please hurry! The hourglass is almost empty!” We’ll be right there! Have to change out of our disguises first!

Looks like the wicked witch was actually Wiccan. Give her a bath and she dies.

It’s amazing how quickly her loyal storm troopers turned on her. Looks like Nuremburg. Bastards, hang ’em all!

Wizard of Oz remake: Toto pulls back the curtain and Karl Rove is back there jerking off Rupert Murdoch.

If you pause the movie and look closely at the piece of paper the Wizard hands the Scarecrow, it’s actually George W. Bush’s Yale diploma.

If Dorothy had got in that balloon, the FBI would have found her head in a freezer in Oklahoma 10 years later.

That scene would have been better if they had munchins hanging off the balloon like the GI’s and the Playboy helicopter in Apocalypse Now.

Valium-whacked bitch, if you told me 3 days ago I could’ve clicked my heels and gone home, I would’ve believed you. Thanks for the heads up.

Okay, movie’s over. Just in case you missed the sarcasm fest, I’m posting it all on my blog when I wake up. Twizzard of Oz.#culturethug


Things that make you go "hmmm" right before you go "What the F***?"

At what point does a tactless thought actually become a crime? I’ve never been a big fan of hate crime legislation. Not because I love to dream racist, homophobic, or misogynist scenarios but because I believe that curbing such thought should be done through education and the occasional public flogging as opposed to legislation.

But is tact a qualifier of whether or not something is hate speech? Let us hope not.
For instance, there’s a sick little bastard in me that would probably enjoy Justin Bieber being repeatedly kicked in the shin or held down while someone tattooed “KICK ME” on his forehead. Though it’s probably not worth it to put it on his forehead because no one could see it with his combination Twiggy/Donny Osmond haircut. Now, I’m not calling for it to happen or putting out a bounty or anything but still…
Then there’s Snooki.
I’ve decided I’ve wanted a Snooki bobblehead for Xmas. Doesn’t have to be her real head. It can be plastic if that’s easier and within the laws of your nation.