Friends, Enemies, and Internet Losers: I have returned.

bad ideas

Turns Out Writing A Book Isn’t So Hard But Admitting It’s About You Kind Of Sucks

Writing about yourself is actually very easy, unless you plan to be honest about yourself, in which case, it kind of sucks the big one. I don’t think it’s too difficult to write about the life you’re living because it’s kind of obvious unless you have a “malignant secret” dwelling in that pesky id of yours. But writing about how you got to this spot can be trying. It’s a good thing I have all this extra time to work on it because my only job prospects at the moment are winning the lottery and Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood Intern position. Both have about the same chance of coming to fruition which is just fine by me. Though to be Charlie Sheen’s Social Media Intern AND have $50 million in the bank would be pretty sweet. It will be sometime before I can open the door to my penthouse wearing my boxers and drinking champagne straight from the bottle, so until then I will knuckle down and concentrate on writing out the ridiculous stories that have made up my life so far, then try to find someway to make them all work as a cohesive narrative. For the next little while I be walking the street with my inner self trying to figure out the route that brought us thus far.
If Charlie calls, I’ll take it in my office.

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The Twizzard of Oz


Read this entry only if you don’t mind a few laughs (and a couple cringes) at the expense of your precious childhood memories. The following is a transcript of the drunk “Tweets” I sent while watching The Wizard of Oz about 2 o’clock this morning.

Bedtime movie: I was thinking “Third Man”, “Touch of Evil”. Went with “Wizard of Oz” but it’s taped over “Hells Angels on Wheels”, still manly.

Dorothy gets picked out of a pig sty without a spot of mud on her dress. I’m starting to think this movie might be fiction.

“Over the Rainbow” even straight guys can appreciate this as one of the best songs ever. Okay, ‘some’ straight guys. #garlandsadish

Just looking at that hat Miss Gulch is wearing… She might be a witch but with a hat like that you know she’s an evil cunt.

Yeah, pissed drunk and doing colour commentary for Wizard of Oz on Twitter.

How do we know Wizard of Oz wasn’t made recently? A hustler like “Professor Marvel” would have whored her out instead of sending her home.

Never underestimate my ability to ruin every childhood memory you might have.

Wow colour! Munchin suicide watch starts now.

Dorothy Gale v. The Ghostbusters: Dorothy, the next time someone asks you if you’re a witch, you say YES!

Ding Dong… Certainly the cheeriest song about homicide ever written.

I’m glad I’m drunk and not high, otherwise the stunted ballerinas of the Lullaby League would be fucking with my head.

Glinda’s high as a Kansas tornado… Smiling away… The trailer park prom dress. Pure valium. That’s probably where Judy got her habit.

The Scarecrow explains BC politics: taking directions from a guy with no brain and a stick up his ass.

Another clue that the Wizard of Oz is fiction? No good looking young woman who left Kansas would be in that big of a hurry to get back.

Yes Dorothy! Lube me up! A man without a heart wants to be oiled up by a teenage runaway. Go figure.

Don’t go with her Tin Man! She’s just going to sell you for scrap to buy valium!

You wonder why Judy Garland got in so much trouble later in life when she considers two utter fuck ups she just met as the best friends she’s ever had.

Okay, not a hanging munchin but a bird. More’s the pity.

Ah the good old days, when cowards attacked little dogs and girls in gingham dresses instead of shooting up their high schools.

Poppy field makes them fall asleep and “snow” wakes them up? I don’t have to ruin this one. It kind of speaks for itself.

The witch puppet on a string is more believable than all three Star Wars prequels.

Scarecrow’s day at the spa looks like a TSA pat down.

Afghan peasants can shoot down a Soviet gunship but the people of Emerald City can’t take out a bitch and her broom? Surrender Dorot…BOOM!

Wikileaks reports the Wizard thinks Dorothy is a whiny little cunt.

The Wizard looks like a Star Trek alien on stage at a KISS concert.

I suspect the flying monkeys are just a flash back to the poppy field.

Okay, I’ll admit it; it’s been over 30 years since the first time I saw this movie and the flying monkeys still scare the shit out of me.

*Note to palace guard: the guy at the FRONT does a head count to make sure the guys at the BACK should actually be there.

“Hurry! Please hurry! The hourglass is almost empty!” We’ll be right there! Have to change out of our disguises first!

Looks like the wicked witch was actually Wiccan. Give her a bath and she dies.

It’s amazing how quickly her loyal storm troopers turned on her. Looks like Nuremburg. Bastards, hang ’em all!

Wizard of Oz remake: Toto pulls back the curtain and Karl Rove is back there jerking off Rupert Murdoch.

If you pause the movie and look closely at the piece of paper the Wizard hands the Scarecrow, it’s actually George W. Bush’s Yale diploma.

If Dorothy had got in that balloon, the FBI would have found her head in a freezer in Oklahoma 10 years later.

That scene would have been better if they had munchins hanging off the balloon like the GI’s and the Playboy helicopter in Apocalypse Now.

Valium-whacked bitch, if you told me 3 days ago I could’ve clicked my heels and gone home, I would’ve believed you. Thanks for the heads up.

Okay, movie’s over. Just in case you missed the sarcasm fest, I’m posting it all on my blog when I wake up. Twizzard of Oz.#culturethug


Don’t quote ME on that

I often steal the remark, “The most uncommon thing on the planet is common sense”. The world seems consumed by a pity-party/hate-fest that doesn’t show any sign of receding any time soon. This is alarming. But, it is not new. 
Was anyone actually surprised when it was revealed that Keith Olberman was a Democrat?
I know one person who wouldn’t have been and really wouldn’t have given a fuck either:

“So much for Objective Journalism. Don’t bother to look for it here–not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.” 
Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’72

The one thing that keeps some of us just above the fray, the pity-party/hate-fest, is the one thing we possess that others don’t: the truth.
But that doesn’t seem to help. The blind are blind are blind. But we knew this.

“Don’t hate the media, become the media.” 
Jello Biafra 

But we endeavour to carry on the good fight. Some are calling for a much more dramatic approach. I am still formulating mine. But as soon as I know, so will you. The dawn of the Culture Thug is upon us, well, me at least.

“This story shall the good man teach his son; 
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by, 
From this day to the ending of the world, 
But we in it shall be remembered- 
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; 
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me 
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, 
This day shall gentle his condition; 
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed 
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here, 
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks 
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”
Henry V (IV.iii). 




What do you say that this Saturday we throw a bunch of bigoted pea-brains on a bonfire?

As the clock ticks down to possibly the dumbest idea in recent history, one can’t help but wonder what burning the Quran could possibly accomplish in any positive sense. I watched a clip from an interview with one of this church’s pastors replayed on MSNBC today. In the clip, the pastor said they just wanted to expose something that everyone already knew. Um… that’s not exposure; that’s exploitation. Somehow, the idea of deliberately pissing off a group of people (albeit small) just to egg this group into doing what the group are doing already doesn’t seem to prove the point they wanted.
For me, watching two airplanes soar into the World Trade Center seemed to be evidence enough that a minute faction of radicalized Islamic fanatics wanted to rain death on the West. The idea of deliberately pissing them, and all Muslims, off just doesn’t register with me as a terribly well thought out plan. The pastors of this church claim that the radical elements they are sending this message to cannot be reasoned with. The pastors of this church also stated that nothing and no one could dissuade them from going through with the book burning. This too sounds like radicalized religious zealots who “cannot be reasoned with”.
The US needs to realize the road they are being led down by reactionary forces. Too many of its politicians (on both sides of the aisle) are trying too hard to merely get elected to govern a country that will lay in ruins if their governing is anything like their campaigning.
I’d be interested to see figures as to which has more members: Al-Qaeda or whack-job, splinter-Christian churches in the US.
Hope, however, is not lost. Also on MSNBC, I saw an interview with the pastor of a Tennessee church that had opened its doors to local Muslims building a mosque and community centre beside them. With the centre still incomplete, the Heartsong Church of Cordova, TN, invited their Muslim neighbours to use their church for evening prayers and feasts during Ramadan. When I first Googled this, Google News had over 6000 stories about the Quran burning and only 15 about the openess and tolerance shown by the congregation at the Heartsong Church. Go figure.