Friends, Enemies, and Internet Losers: I have returned.

Stand by your fridge and wait

I have not seen the movies, nor have I read the books, so I am not here to talk about the merits (or lack thereof) of the Twilight series. I would like to discuss this new obsession with vampires.

Selene was very sexy in the Underworld movies, but she was also a hardened killer and a bit of a bitch too. Angel, from the series of the same name and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was attractive, but again, a murderous bastard.

Now we have the new round of vampires and they’re all emos with teeth.

Before we all swoon for these new vampires, let’s cover a few facts:

Vampires must feed on human blood. Someday this might be you. And if they are “compassionate” vampires and feed on animal blood instead? Just where the fuck do think avian and swine flu come from anyway?

Vampires are soulless minions of Satan. So are the staff at FOX News but who really wants to date Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter?

Vampires cannot go out during the day. Okay, Blade had some genetic sunblock going on, Selene drank the blood of an immortal (as he was dying, wtf?) and was able to walk in the sunlight, and there was a ring on Buffy that allowed Spike and Angel to walk around when the sun was up, but if you were planning on going to a family picnic with your undead emo, probably best to make other plans. Vampires are not well known for their Hawaiian Tropic endorsements.

Lastly, Vampires are DEAD. If you want to imagine what it would be like to make love to a vampire, take a steak and sausage from the fridge. Put the steak over your heart so you feel what it is like for your heart to beat against cold, dead meat. Take the sausage and… well, nevermind.

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